HOW?

I've changed my mind... I'm going to write this journal whenever I feel like it, but AT LEAST every Sunday.  Because I want to vent some of my emotions from today.

I haven't been to the gym regularly over the past couple of months, and felt really upset at the gym tonight, my body was jiggling all over the place and I just felt really dissapointed that I hadn't kept up my fitness.  Too much wine and cake and oh my god, the fridge where I'm staying is filled with kiddy snacks.  It's so hard to not eat it when it's right in front of you, and you're dishing it out to for them to eat!

The strategy that has worked for me is 1. only have healthy food in the house. 2. Do one Les Mills group fitness class per day, 6 times per week. end of story.

When I can achieve this, I am super happy and powerful and life is amazing.  Like when I was in Boston.  Since probably last December I've been on a gradual downhill slide.... life seems to just get in the way. Going out to gigs, drinking wine, sleeping late instead of working out... baking cupcakes...


During the class I had tears in my eyes, I wonder what the instructor was thinking!! I was overwhelmed by the feeling that there is just too much to do and I can't do it.  By the way I hate saying 'I can't'.... it's yuck. And just yesterday I thought I had it sorted.  Little things like, how am I going to get my keyboard to a gig.  I don't have a seat and a stand.  I really need a car, but I need money to get a car.  Sometimes I get sick of just surviving, and I get tired.  I see the lines starting under my eyes.  In a huge city trying to cut through and be heard.  Battling.  For what? What do I really want and need to be happy? To live in the moment. To create.  To love.  To eat healthy and go to Les Mills.  To write great songs.  Right now, all the rest just seems like a huge fuckin waste of time. Who even cares if I record another CD.  Who even buys CD's anyway!!!!!!  Except I can't just not do this, because it's like failing. I can't just go home, it's like giving up. It is giving up. And I'm not like that.  I feel like I've given up on being an artist.  Pat told me my job was to write great songs and look hot.  I liked that job.  But it's not just about that.  Somehow, I have to create a 'buzz' all on my own in Melbourne.  Somehow I am expected to magically pull an album out my ass and get signed. Somehow. HOW? That is the question I'm firing out to you, universe.  The question that I'm determined to get an answer from.


Ok. hopefully I've got that out of my stupid system.